The life of a BT is never easy. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it’s just not enough for the Big Man. G-d is sometimes the loving Person that’s portrayed in songs and poetry, and other times He is a sadistic, narcissistic, sociopathic Dickhead. Why is teshuva so damn hard? Every time I try to repent for my fuckups, I still find myself dwelling on it later on. I can never let anything go. It’s my hamartia, for sure and for certain, as they say in Beverly Lewis’s Amish fiction novels. I feel like I’ve been carrying around this huge rock on my shoulders for twenty years, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. All my guilt, all my sorrow, it’s all still there. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of sadness and guilt. Teshuva is about repenting and letting the crap go, but I don’t know why I can’t. My life is pretty much going to shit right now. I’m broke, I’m stressed, and I can’t remember the last time I got a decent night’s sleep. Today is an especially hard day. Seven years ago today, we adopted a sweet old beagle mutt named Luca, and October 9 has been Luca Day ever since. We had to put her down a few weeks ago, and I’ve had a rough time of it ever since. Luca is still my best friend, and her loss is even harder to deal with knowing that I was the one that caused it. The mass/blockage that killed her was caused by her eating a plastic bag that, complete and total dumbass that I am, I left lying around. (I use them to store bus fare.) I don’t believe I will ever be able to stop blaming myself for it. G-d hates me and I don’t blame Him. I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve lied. I’ve stolen. I’ve cheated. Sometimes I wonder if He even exists. I know I’m not the only one. They say that on Yom Kippur, the sins of the past are wiped clean. Bullshit! I still feel as guilty for screwups I made when I was a child as I do when they were committed. This can’t be what G-d wants from me. It just can’t. I do not accept that. This is why I prefer fictional book characters over real people and real life. At least books don’t judge. Feel free to share your struggles in the comments below.