A Yom Kippur Rant About Guilt

The life of a BT is never easy. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it’s just not enough for the Big Man. G-d is sometimes the loving Person that’s portrayed in songs and poetry, and other times He is a sadistic, narcissistic, sociopathic Dickhead. Why is teshuva so damn hard? Every time I try to repent for my fuckups, I still find myself dwelling on it later on. I can never let anything go. It’s my hamartia, for sure and for certain, as they say in Beverly Lewis’s Amish fiction novels. I feel like I’ve been carrying around this huge rock on my shoulders for twenty years, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. All my guilt, all my sorrow, it’s all still there. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of sadness and guilt. Teshuva is about repenting and letting the crap go, but I don’t know why I can’t. My life is pretty much going to shit right now. I’m broke, I’m stressed, and I can’t remember the last time I got a decent night’s sleep. Today is an especially hard day. Seven years ago today, we adopted a sweet old beagle mutt named Luca, and October 9 has been Luca Day ever since. We had to put her down a few weeks ago, and I’ve had a rough time of it ever since. Luca is still my best friend, and her loss is even harder to deal with knowing that I was the one that caused it. The mass/blockage that killed her was caused by her eating a plastic bag that, complete and total dumbass that I am, I left lying around. (I use them to store bus fare.) I don’t believe I will ever be able to stop blaming myself for it. G-d hates me and I don’t blame Him. I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve lied. I’ve stolen. I’ve cheated. Sometimes I wonder if He even exists. I know I’m not the only one. They say that on Yom Kippur, the sins of the past are wiped clean. Bullshit! I still feel as guilty for screwups I made when I was a child as I do when they were committed. This can’t be what G-d wants from me. It just can’t. I do not accept that. This is why I prefer fictional book characters over real people and real life. At least books don’t judge. Feel free to share your struggles in the comments below.

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5 thoughts on “A Yom Kippur Rant About Guilt

  1. Hi Samantha,

    Very true. I feel that despite the fact that the tzaddikim confirm a Baal Teshuvah has a higher spiritual standing than one who’s FFB, we’re almost looked down upon. When things are already pretty difficult, that makes it even harder (I think).

    Sorry to hear about the awful time you’re having. This is why Yom Kippur is useful on an emotional level but I understand it doesn’t necessarily work like that for you. I feel like I’m in a similar place to you in that the new year has been pretty awful so far.

    Hoping that things will get better for you. If you’d like me to daven for you, can I please have your Hebrew name?

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  2. Dear Samantha, I am so sorry I had read your next post before I got to this one! I know what it is to lose a pet who is a part of the family, but to hold yourself guilty for it – I can’t even imagine the pain! I am just so sorry you are going through this! But one thing is for sure: He does not hate you. Forget the songs and poetry for a moment. We don’t know why He does what He does, but what we do know is that He does not expect us to perform and to please Him. He wants us to find our place in this material world and be reasonably happy, and that will please Him most of all. No matter what you have done or will do, He is still there – always there! – to welcome you back. Take care of yourself, live through your grief (that’ll take some doing – I have recently lost my father, and I am going through a very tough time right now), pull your life together one little baby step at the time. He will wait for you, I guarantee it!
    I will also daven for you.
    With love,
    Dolly (Devorah Yentl bas Alisa)

    Like

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