Why is teshuva so damn hard? Every time I try to repent for my fuckups, I still find myself dwelling on it later on. I can never let anything go. It’s my hamartia, for sure and for certain, as they say in Beverly Lewis’s Amish fiction novels. I feel like I’ve been carrying around this huge rock on my shoulders for twenty years, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. All my guilt, all my sorrow, it’s all still there. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of sadness and guilt. Teshuva is about repenting and letting the crap go, but I don’t know why I can’t. It’s like in the Pirates of the Carribean movies when Elizabeth wears that damnable corset. To quote Titanic, “You can’t breathe. You can’t think. Least it’s not about anything but the pain.” Will I ever know what G-d wants from me? Am I ever to understand? Sometimes I want to dive into a book and forget my troubles. But no matter how good the book is, I never can.