The life of a BT is never easy. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it’s just not enough for the Big Man. G-d is sometimes the loving Person that’s portrayed in songs and poetry, and other times He is a sadistic, narcissistic, sociopathic Dickhead. Why is teshuva so damn hard? Every time I try to repent for my fuckups, I still find myself dwelling on it later on. I can never let anything go. It’s my hamartia, for sure and for certain, as they say in Beverly Lewis’s Amish fiction novels. I feel like I’ve been carrying around this huge rock on my shoulders for twenty years, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. All my guilt, all my sorrow, it’s all still there. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of sadness and guilt. Teshuva is about repenting and letting the crap go, but I don’t know why I can’t. My life is pretty much going to shit right now. I’m broke, I’m stressed, and I can’t remember the last time I got a decent night’s sleep. Today is an especially hard day. Seven years ago today, we adopted a sweet old beagle mutt named Luca, and October 9 has been Luca Day ever since. We had to put her down a few weeks ago, and I’ve had a rough time of it ever since. Luca is still my best friend, and her loss is even harder to deal with knowing that I was the one that caused it. The mass/blockage that killed her was caused by her eating a plastic bag that, complete and total dumbass that I am, I left lying around. (I use them to store bus fare.) I don’t believe I will ever be able to stop blaming myself for it. G-d hates me and I don’t blame Him. I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve lied. I’ve stolen. I’ve cheated. Sometimes I wonder if He even exists. I know I’m not the only one. They say that on Yom Kippur, the sins of the past are wiped clean. Bullshit! I still feel as guilty for screwups I made when I was a child as I do when they were committed. This can’t be what G-d wants from me. It just can’t. I do not accept that. This is why I prefer fictional book characters over real people and real life. At least books don’t judge. Feel free to share your struggles in the comments below.
I read the Diary when I was eleven. I had been reading up on the Second World War (and not just the Shoah) for months before, but no other work to come out of the war impacted me quite so much as the Diary. I suppose it was because this Anne and I were so close in age. Her problems were mine. We both had crushes and pets and mom troubles. Long story short, I fell in love with Anne. Who wouldn’t fall in love with Anne? She was kind and spunky, erudite and imaginative. She was everything a book heroine ought to be. The only difference was that Anne lived only on paper and in my imagination. She became my role model. I dressed like her. I wore my hair like her. I even started naming my diaries. First was Ginger, a pretty pink notebook pilfered from my grandmother’s gift closet (she still has no idea to this day) named after the horse from Black Beauty. Next was Madhuri, my fifteenth birthday present, who I named for a TV show character. Finally was Jacky, named after the best book heroine save for Anne herself I had ever read about. I still have her.
Fast forward eight years. I still write as much as Anne did. I’m still as in love with Anne’s story as I was then, but now there’s something I never realized: The human spirit is a tough entity, but there’s only so much it can take. I suppose it’s something of an accident that Anne’s fate and mine aren’t reversed. She could be the one making pizza for a living and I could be the one hiding out in that attic. I still wonder what Anne would think of the world poring through her private thoughts. Would she be happy to know her dream “to go on living even after my death” came true, or would she be horrified to discover the fates of her friends and family?
Money is integral to Jewish life. From synagogue membership fees to the high cost of schools, we broke Jews have trouble fitting in. But all is not lost. There may be a heavy price tag attached to the frum life, but when you’ve spent as much time on the Internet as I do, you figure shit out. So I’ve compiled a list of ways to get free/discounted Jewish books, ritual items and art over the Internet. So happy hunting!
1. PJ Library
PJ Library is an amazing program that sends glossy, high quality children’s books, DVDs, and CDS to your mailbox each month to kids ages infant to eight. It’s a really great way to keep kids busy when you’re on a budget.
FJB is kind of like the adult version of PJ Library. I’ve gotten several good titles from them including pocket versions of the Artscroll Siddur and Pirkei Avos. And free really means free. There’s no shipping charge or tax. They don’t even ask for your credit card information!
TM is a chavrusa program where you answer some questions about your Jewish background and they match you up with a frum learning partner. Each lesson is done by phone, and you log the number of minutes you learned with your Torah Mate. 30 minutes is 30 miles, and if you have enough miles you can redeem them for awesome prizes like Artscroll books, toys, and even iPhones. They even send you a copy of Lilmod Ulelamed: From the Teachings of our Sages by celebrated Torah scholar Rabbi Mrdechai Katz when they find you a learning partner. Pretty cool, huh?
Update: Oorah/Torah mates also sends you free Judaism essentials in the mail. Yesterday I got a lulav and esrog from them. Good thing too, because like I said, I’m broke AF.
You can use this link to find a Chabad House near you. Services are in English and Hebrew, and they use Siddur Tehillat Hashem, which is the Siddur written by the Alter Rebbe. They don’t charge membership fees, and you can also take Torah classes there. Most Chabad Houses have resources such as kiddush, libraries, and some even have daycares, day camps and schools attached. No one is ever turned away for inability to pay. It’s awesome.
Jewish ritual items
2. Mezuzahs are commonly referred to as a sort of security system for the soul. You can find them in a Mezuzah Bank. The way it works is you contact your local Chabad rabbi, and he determines whether you’re eligible.
So there you have it. Enjoy and shanah tovah umitucha!
I can think of a few choice people who could use this message, so here goes nothing:
- Just because a Jew is lax in his/her observance doesn’t mean s/he isn’t a huge help to the Jewish nation.
- If Orthodox Jews shame and ostracize non-Orthodox Jews for their lack of religious observance, then we are no better than the assholes who were behind Kristallnacht.
- Any idiot can do a mitzvah, correctly or incorrectly. But, like everything, it’s the intention behind it that really counts.
- One Jew is not better than another simply because he’s more frum. That’s bullshit.
- It does no good to hide one’s past, for said past may come back to either bite you in the ass or do insane amounts of good.
- No one can control whether s/he is a pig-eating, Israeli-flag-burning, sex-having shiksa or a black-crushed-hat, dog-hating, TV-condemning frum from birth, so stop judging right now. Again, it does absolutely no good.
- Labeling Jews based on their observance level does absolutely nothing at all but divide us.
- A Jew is a Jew is a Jew.
- Harry Potter can defeat Voldemort and still be totally, adorably clueless.
I started watching this show a few years ago. I’d seen documentaries about its real-life setting, Highclere Castle, and I’d been hearing rave reviews about it, but I’d never actually seen it. But I could not for the life of me get the commercials out of my head. So I checked Season One out from the library.
I was hooked. Wealth, servants’ gossip, and illicit affairs (Yes, I’m talking about you Lady Mary; you didn’t really think I’d forget the whole Mr-Pamuk-died-in-your-bed affair in a hurry, did you?) It was everything that a good story should be.
But the further in I got, the more it began to disturb me. Downton was uncannily similar to biographies I had read about the Hasidic rebbes. A passage in Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots by Deborah Feldman particularly stuck out to me: “Where, I wonder, is the brotherly love that G-d commanded Jews to feel for each other, now, in this community that calls itself holy? Back in Europe, Zeidy says, no one would dream of fighting to be called a rabbi. In fact, they often turned down the position when it was offered to them. A man truly worthy of being a rabbi is a humble one. He is not in search of power or recognition. But in this day and age, rabbis are chauffeured in black Cadillacs and have private ritual baths built into their opulent homes. They are the celebrities of the Hasidic culture.Children trade rabbi cards and boast of having rabbinical connections. On Purim, the holiday of masquerades, they Scotch-tape long beards made of white cotton balls to their chins, drape themselves in faux-fur coats, and walk with the aid of a shiny wooden cane. What more does every child dream of than to grow up to be a rabbi, or at least a rabbi’s wife?”
Deborah is right. Modern-day rabbis have become entirely too damn much like the stuffy, English well-to-do Crawley family portrayed on the show. A man who really is worthy to be a rabbi is humble, modest and doesn’t try to climb up the social ladder.
What do you think?
1 pack garlic naan
4 tablespoons basil pesto
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 cup crumbled bleu cheese
2 cups sauteed sliced mushrooms-use a blend for more flavor
Preheat a large saucepan over medium heat with 1/2 tablespoon olive oil. Saute naan in oolive oil until crispy on both sides. Remove from pan and top with remaining ingriedients.
Do you have a delicious way to tweak this recipe to make it your own? Share it in the comments section below.
To serve G-d with joy is one of the best things anyone can do. Joy has no equal. Both happiness and unhappiness are frighteningly powerful. Unhappiness can drive a man to suicide. Happiness can drive him to marry.
So it comes down to this: joy or sadness. Which will you choose and why?
I used to think that it was a bad idea to mix religion with politics, but I’ve decided to cast that belief aside. So here goes:
- He supports universal healthcare. Taking care of one’s health is essential, for how could we serve Hashem if we did not? Here’s what the Lubavitcher Rebbe said.
- In the early 1960s, Clinton was volunteering for a senator who voted against the Civil Rights Act. Sanders, however, was getting arrested for protesting segregation in schools. Still not sure how that affects us as Jews? Does this ring any bells?
- Sanders voted against the Iraq war (the one Bush got us into), in which 37 Jews were killed. This doesn’t sound like a lot compared to all the casualties, but of course, the media and the American people could give two cat shits about this.
- He isn’t ashamed of who he is but doesn’t shove it down the throats of those that don’t want it, unlike a choice few other politicians I could mention but who shall for the time being remain nameless.
- His top ten donors aside from voters are labor unions, in which American Jews have participated since the 1880s.
- He opposes the death penalty. Here‘s what Judaism says.
- He opposed bombing Syria.
- Mr. Sanders was against the No Child Left Behind law. Education is something which the Torah places extremely heavy emphasis on. According to this, a father is commanded to teach his sons and daughters Torah.
- Sanders never once denied the existence of climate change. Click here for more information about the Jewish response to global warming.
- And lastly, but certainly not least, Mr. Bernie wants to redistribute the nation’s wealth more equally between the rich and the working class. Liked this article? Have other reasons aside from the ones listed above why Sanders should be the one to call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home? Did this post pique your interest and curiosity? Share your thoughts, opinions, and feels in the comments below! #feelthebern
Who was the Besht? The Besht is an acronym for “Baal Shem Tov,” or “Master of the Good Name.” His full name was Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov, and he is known as the founder of Chasidism. The Chasidishe movement is prevalent in our American society today. Pop culture doesn’t even begin to describe the wide rainbow of the frum world. You’ve got your BTs, you’ve got your slut-shaming Haredi asshats, your relaxed-but-still-frum Jews, and your innovative Hasidim.
Until about three hundred years ago, everyone had their own shul: One for the carpenters, one for the rich scholars, one for the extremely learned and pious Torah teachers, and even one for the dirt poor dregs of the Jewish world.
But the Baal Shem Tov wasted things to be different. He wanted Jews of all shapes, sizes and colors to daven as one. So he founded the Hasidic movement we all know today. Yes, I’m talking about the black hats, the fur shtreimels, the wigs, the long skirts, and the yeshivas you’ve undoubtedly seen or heard about. They’re one and the same.
The Besht taught that everything happens because of Divine Providence. For example, if you’re crossing the road on the way to the library and you drop some change, that was beshert. You can find a list of the Baal Shem Tov’s teachings (including the one mentioned here) here and a biography of him here. What do you think?
This week’s parshah is Vayakhel, in which G-d tells Moshe Rabbeinu how to build the Mishkan. But when you think about it, it’s really about relationships. The Mishkan is a symbol of Klal Yisroel’s relationship with Hashem, which is why the Mishkan had to be decorated so lavishly. After all, if the head CEO at your company were coming to dinner, would you serve him/her ramen noodles in a paper bowl? Of course not! S/he’d be served the choicest meats, the most buttery rolls, and the ripest fruits in your best china bowls . Serving G-d is much the same. Would you do it half-assed? No! You’d strive for your personal best.
Preserving a relationship with G-d isn’t easy. Take it from me; I used to think He hated me for all the bad things I did. I lied. I stole. But slowly, I realized that I was right. G-d may have hated me, but He sure as hell needs me, else I wouldn’t be here. To quote a very wise woman who shall for the time being remain nameless, we’re put in this world to do stuff.
I struggled in my faith many times during my life. Hell, I still do. But at the end of the day, I always thank Him for everything. No argument lasts forever, and mine were no different. What do you think?